An Open Letter to the Sun – (Arctic Spring Edition)

Dear Almighty Fireball in the Sky.

I bet you like that kind of introduction don’t you? It wouldn’t surprise me in the least. Your ego won’t allow for anything less regal. So here we are once again. Spring is here and you are once again enforcing your will upon the world and damaging my calm.

We get it.

You’re the source of life on this planet and our reason for being, blah blah blah. How much longer do we have to pander to you? You’ve been worshipped throughout the ages by adoring fans. Entire religions (and some cults) have been formed in praise of you. Entire civilizations have dedicated their way of life to your benevolence. Big whoop. Are you upset that you don’t garner as much attention anymore? Is this your reason for intruding upon my fragile state of mind.

Let’s be real here. We never got along in the first place. I’ve done my best to avoid you like the the drunk girl at a party. I’ve even resorted to cavorting with your goofy little brother with the bad acne, Moon, in an attempt to distance myself from you. He’s not the most engaging fella to associate with but at least he isn’t intrusive. Sure sometimes he shines his flashlight through my window on occasion but it isn’t nearly as blinding as your holier-than-thou sunlight. What part of I don’t like you do you not get? You cause me more misery than you do joy. Sure you’ll probably rattle off a laundry list of things you do for me behind the scenes but I don’t care. That’s your job. Don’t start just doing extra things without asking me first.

I understand there are people who have been waiting for you for a while now. They want to get their tans and frolic around in short shorts and go to beaches and what not. Hello. I come equipped with my own built-in tan. I don’t need to cook myself till I’m golden brown. I have that fresh out of the oven look year round, bro.  I could care less about wearing less clothes – and I’m quite certain there are many people who will agree that me with less clothes is NOT a good thing as well. I’m not a fan of open water either so you can keep the beaches as well.

You think that you’re too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite… you aren’t.

My wife tells me that you’re stalking us for nearly 12 hours out of the day now. Really? Really? Has your ego really gotten that tremendous that you have to bug me for that long? Rumour has it that you’ve actually got the audacity to even try to exceed that. Do you really think I’m going to tolerate that? You sap the very life force out of me with your sun shiny dribble. I came to the arctic to escape your ever watchful gaze. So what that I’m seriously geographically challenged and didn’t realize it meant you and I would have our final showdown up here. I’m ready for you.

You will not break me and I’ll never yield to you.

So gather your silly little sun-loving minions and let them sing your praises and bask under what they believe is awesomeness. I’ll continue to plot in the darkness against you. Dark will always win out over light because light is dumb. Your hubris will be your undoing. Remember, a book once said “in the beginning there was darkness”…

That title will be regained some day.



5 thoughts on “An Open Letter to the Sun – (Arctic Spring Edition)

  1. “I have that fresh out of the oven look year round.” Love it!

    I’m not a sun worshipper either, nor do I like extreme heat…however, I need the sun to make my garden grow! I also enjoy sitting outside under a tree reading a book…


  2. *Snort* ‘kind of like MS but worse’. Good one.

    I am a whitie beyond white I’m almost see through. Just got back from Mexico and people don’t believe I have a tan until I take off my watch because I’m still so white. Although I love the sun for my sanity and vegetables, I’m like you but on the opposite spectrum of colour, my rawness doesn’t take to the big sol too much.

  3. Pingback: Insomnia, blogging, Arctic Char, Bell monkies and a traitorous unicorn « The $#!& I Think About

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