An Open Letter to the Sun – (Arctic Spring Edition)

Dear Almighty Fireball in the Sky.

I bet you like that kind of introduction don’t you? It wouldn’t surprise me in the least. Your ego won’t allow for anything less regal. So here we are once again. Spring is here and you are once again enforcing your will upon the world and damaging my calm.

We get it.

You’re the source of life on this planet and our reason for being, blah blah blah. How much longer do we have to pander to you? You’ve been worshipped throughout the ages by adoring fans. Entire religions (and some cults) have been formed in praise of you. Entire civilizations have dedicated their way of life to your benevolence. Big whoop. Are you upset that you don’t garner as much attention anymore? Is this your reason for intruding upon my fragile state of mind.

Let’s be real here. We never got along in the first place. I’ve done my best to avoid you like the the drunk girl at a party. I’ve even resorted to cavorting with your goofy little brother with the bad acne, Moon, in an attempt to distance myself from you. He’s not the most engaging fella to associate with but at least he isn’t intrusive. Sure sometimes he shines his flashlight through my window on occasion but it isn’t nearly as blinding as your holier-than-thou sunlight. What part of I don’t like you do you not get? You cause me more misery than you do joy. Sure you’ll probably rattle off a laundry list of things you do for me behind the scenes but I don’t care. That’s your job. Don’t start just doing extra things without asking me first.

I understand there are people who have been waiting for you for a while now. They want to get their tans and frolic around in short shorts and go to beaches and what not. Hello. I come equipped with my own built-in tan. I don’t need to cook myself till I’m golden brown. I have that fresh out of the oven look year round, bro.  I could care less about wearing less clothes – and I’m quite certain there are many people who will agree that me with less clothes is NOT a good thing as well. I’m not a fan of open water either so you can keep the beaches as well.

You think that you’re too cool for school, but I have a newsflash for you Walter Cronkite… you aren’t.

My wife tells me that you’re stalking us for nearly 12 hours out of the day now. Really? Really? Has your ego really gotten that tremendous that you have to bug me for that long? Rumour has it that you’ve actually got the audacity to even try to exceed that. Do you really think I’m going to tolerate that? You sap the very life force out of me with your sun shiny dribble. I came to the arctic to escape your ever watchful gaze. So what that I’m seriously geographically challenged and didn’t realize it meant you and I would have our final showdown up here. I’m ready for you.

You will not break me and I’ll never yield to you.

So gather your silly little sun-loving minions and let them sing your praises and bask under what they believe is awesomeness. I’ll continue to plot in the darkness against you. Dark will always win out over light because light is dumb. Your hubris will be your undoing. Remember, a book once said “in the beginning there was darkness”…

That title will be regained some day.

Sincerely,

Ian

A Tomb Raider in Iqaluit?

If you read our own individual blogs, some of you may have heard that Ian and I had a houseguest for a few weeks.  That’s right, Angelina Jolie was visiting us as part of The Jolie Pez Project.  There’s even more details about the whole shebang – including some of the participants – right here.  It was a disastrous an interesting experience, to say the least.  The Jolie can certainly be a handful, as you may have read about on my blog, and on Ian’s.

She recently continued on her travels to Newfoundland, and once she left earlier this week, Ian and I came across something that we think she left behind – The Secret Diary of The Jolie.  We thought we’d share the contents of the diary with you…

Dear Diary,

I have been enjoying my time here in Iqaluit with Suzanne and Ian.  They’ve tried to show me a good time, but neither of them have any idea how much I’ve been learning about hunting.  I really need to get out there to experience true survival!  The polar bear at that bar we visited was only a taste of what I can do now.  I’ve learned how to use a bow and arrows to take down anything!  I can’t wait to try out the new techniques…

One of the first beasts I’d really like to try hunting is a muskox.  A muskox is a giant mythological creature with curly horns, hooves of steel…and it breathes fire!  I read about it in this book.  I might be exaggerating about some of its abilities…

But I also read that there aren’t any muskox in Iqaluit, so I’ll have to venture out further.  I took a peek at a map that my hosts have, and plotted my course.  With the right transportation, I could be hauling a fresh kill back by sundown tomorrow.

Due to the cold temperatures up here, Suzanne made me a parka.  I was thankful for it, but didn’t want it to hide my radiant beauty from the world, so I never fastened it up tight.

I needed to look for some transportation.  I found a pretty good spot…you can barely even see me up there.  Perfect for stealing a ride on something…

From my vantage point, I could see something across the way…a group of…animals perhaps?  I’d have to head back to my hosts and return here later – when it was dark.

I snuck out of the apartment while my hosts were cooking dinner.  When I returned to the location I had found earlier, I confirmed that there were a number of large dogs…they must be sled dogs!  Why they would be perfect!  I could hook them up as a team, and they could pull me out on to the land to hunt the mighty muskox!

Of course, I don’t have a sled…so what else could I do?  Then I heard it…the rumbling of a huge snow machine.  I turned quickly and saw a man heading towards me on his snowmobile.

But he was just too fast.  I couldn’t get to him before he drove off.  I was sad.  At least until I heard what would possibly be my way out.  A loud rumbling from afar caught my attention and I walked towards the sound.  Of course!  The airport!  This will be my way out of Iqaluit and up to the high Arctic so I can find muskox!

I decided to return to the apartment so as not to arouse the suspicion of my hosts.  I would have a good night’s sleep and set out.

The next morning, I headed back out to the airport.  I realized that I would not be able to fly further north…I must have lost my wallet back in New Brunswick in the dulse bin.  Foiled!

Besides…I’m pretty sure this sign said “Must be this tall to ride” in its strange hieroglyphs…

Another setback, but not to fear.  I noticed a snow-covered mountain that if I scaled, I would be able to see for miles and perhaps come across something to hunt nearby.  It was becoming quite evident that the muskox was not to be my prey…and so I climbed.

From the top, I had a great vantage point for wildlife that might be in the area.  As I kept my eyes peeled for movement, I noticed something back down at the base.  Tracks!  Huge tracks!  These had to be those of a polar bear for sure.  I rappelled down the cliff quickly and rushed to where I saw the tracks.  They turned out not to be those of polar bears, but of the local ravens.  Those birds are huge!  I mean, I’m easily 5′ 10″…and I felt dwarfed by the size of the tracks.  Perhaps I could perfect my hunting technique with them…after all, they were everywhere in this city.

Just as I was about to hijack another passing snowmobile rider, I noticed the sun was beginning its descent behind the hills.  The day is nearing its end.  And soon I will be leaving Iqaluit.  Perhaps one day I will return to this land of stark beauty.  Of cold ice and snow.  Of huge pterydactol-like birds.

Until then…I remain…
The Jolie

I got the Meme on me…

If you’re expecting a post about Iqaluit then you’re in for a shock. This has absolutely positively nothing to do with the Arctic so you’ve been properly warned…

On January 20th, 2011 an award was forged in the firey bussom of Mount Doom the likes of which had never been seen before. It was to be the award to end all awards. One award to rule them all. But mysteriously the award was stolen and never seen again. Distraught over the loss of the all powerful relic the mighty Jillsmo was forced to create another equally power award. Unfortunately what was spawned was far worse than anyone could imagine. The gawdy monstrosity came to be known as The Memetastic Award and it spread across the land like a plague infecting all in its wake with memelicious goodiness.

If you have no idea what the hell that means, join the club. All I know is that our dear friend Wendy awarded us with the memetastic bubbly goodness and now after a month of trying to figure out if there was a pill or shot or something to cure the meminess I am compelled to follow suit with the rules for being blessed with such an honor. Since Suzanne already had to deal with a meme on her own blog I figure it’s my turn to confront it.

They are as follows:

1. You must proudly display the award in a post. [Done]

2. You must list 5 things about yourself, and 4 of them must be bold-faced lies. [Done]

3. You must pass this award on to 5 bloggers. [Done]

Anyways 5 things about me in which only one is the truth. Hmmm…

  1. I was a grip in a video shoot for a Norwegian singer.
  2. I once participated in trial experiments of a drug called cortexiphan.
  3. I once competed on a reality show but was voted off shortly after I went a little bonkers and started talking and texting from a rock that I believed was a blackberry.
  4. I worked for a brief period of time as an architect at Vanderlay Industries.
  5. I worked as a package deliverer for IPS.

And not who do I piss off by giving them this award. Well since I’ve done worst to people in the past so I suppose gracing them with this award won’t be that bad. Anyways, here are my victims …err… winners:

  1. Enso Monkey
  2. It’s Jim
  3. Thoughts Appear
  4. Thy Polar Life
  5. Life in a Nutshell

Don’t hate me for showing the love. Just spread the love to others. Cheers!

Jillsmo would totally appreciate it if you visit the  Memetastic Hop and link up there if you are a recipient of this fantastic award. One has to know how far the memeness has spread.